Movie Review: Alexander

This is the year of cute hunks in short skirts. Brad and Orlando were all bronzed and buff in Troy. Now we've got bad boy Irishman Colin Farrell, dyeing his hair blonde and trying to conquer the world!

Young Alexander (Colin Farrell), is born sometime in Macedonia around 356 B.C. Since his dad, King Philip II (Val Kilmer) was either drunk or away in a war, Alexander gets his early wisdom from bitter, snake-charming mom Olympias (Angelina Jolie) who convinces the boy he's meant for greatness and is really the son of a god. Young Alex is taught by no less than Aristotle (Christopher Plumber) and is boyhood pals with Hephaestion (Jared Leto) who remains his closest friend and lover throughout his brief life.

Alexander's horse Bucephalas was almost as famous as he was and he wins this magnificent black stallion with a sort of Horse Whisperer vibe when no one else can ride him. This impresses his dad...finally. Phillip divorces Olympias, who is not Macedonian, and remarries, this time to a Madedonian girl. Her uncle wants Alexander out since he's only half local and this fosters rage in mom who maybe does or doesn't make plans to kill the new wife and her son to whom she fears Phillip may pass down the crown.

When Phillip is murdered, Alexander becomes king but is soon ready to conquer new lands riding with his best childhood buds off to war. Alexander turns out to be a brilliant battle strategist, planning wild unlikely battle maneuvers that actually work. He conquers Persia, makes Babylon his new H.Q., and moves on to other lands, marrying Roxane (Rosario Dawson) in the hope of having a son and heir and finally trying to conquer India before his death at only 33.

Alexander is still remembered today, not only for his incredible ability as a warrior but for his ideas. The guy actually wanted a world where every race was one and cultures blended in harmony. He tried to recruit each society he conquered to his way of thinking. He could be generous, letting kings keep their lands as long as they joined his team after conquest. He was more of an explorer than a greedy military madman. He was great at inspiring his troops, most of whom thought he was half god anyway. Lots here for movie story fodder.

Famous director Oliver Stone has stuffed so much detail into every scene of his three hour movie that we are almost talked to death, especially by Anthony Hopkins, who narrates the whole movie. As far as sword and sandal epic films go, Gladiator was a faster-moving but totally involving film. Better to do this huge story as a TV mini-series than to stuff it into 3 bloated hours.

Since there is no one "bad guy" in the movie, Alexander's personal demons and conflicts (he's gay but does he take a wife, does he torture his army of friends by forcing them to keep fighting when they all want to go home, does he listen to his power-mad mom?, etc.) drive the story. This makes Colin Farrell successful in the part. He's not really the heroic warrior (like Russell Crowe in Gladiator) so much as the tortured Hamlet-style monarch. Visually, the film is rich. Costumes are great and battle action is fast even if very quickly edited. There are a couple of bloody battle sequences that are kind of confusing. One in India, pitting elephants against horses, is pretty amazing if disturbing.

Actors use tons of weird accents in this film. Colin's Irish brogue comes through often and Angelina, as his mom, sounds kinda Russian. There was a Cockney soldier and.. on and on. A weird, badly-placed flashback exploring the death of Alex's dad is jarring and comes out of nowhere to say the least. Angelina is over the top but sexy and fun as Olympias, who wanted power for her son and herself above all. Gorgeous-eyed Jared Leto is great as he quietly suffers in the background as Alexander's lover who can't ever be all that he can be to the monarch. Rosario Dawson is good as the hot (she has a nude scene) exotic woman that Alexander marries, hoping to produce an heir.

This film is rated "R" for violence and some brief nudity. If you aren't put off by gay relationships (you don't see anything graphic in this area) and like learning some of your history on film instead of out of a textbook, or you just like hot Colin, Angelina and Jared Leto, then you might want to catch this one. If you can't sit still for over two hours, better pass.

For a magnificent effort with some success 3.5 out of 5 stars

***

Lynn Barker is a Hollywood-based entertainment journalist and produced screenwriter.