Movie Review: Troy

Let's see, total hotties Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, Eric Bana and Sean Bean in skimpy costumes or less? I'm there! This re-telling (or re-imagining as the movie folks like to call it) of Homer's "The Iliad" could actually get me interested in studying the classics again!

Troy begins as the lovesick young prince of Troy Paris (Orlando Bloom) runs off from a Sparta peace summit meeting with the country's queen, super hot Helen (Diane Kruger) with whom he's been having a secret affair. His older, wiser and more macho bro Hector (Eric Bana) knows this will probably cause a war and he's right. Helen's hubby, Spartan King Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson) is far from amused. Menelaus asks his power-mad warrior brother Agamemnon (Brian Cox) to help him gather all the Greek kings and armies and go get Helen back! Not for brotherly love but greed, Agamemnon agrees.

Determined to conquer Troy, Agamemnon recruits feisty, win-um-all rebel warrior Achilles to lead his armies, knowing that the macho fighter has no love or respect for him but hey.. he can kick major butt! Led by Achilles and his men, the Greeks hit the beaches of Troy with a thousand CGI ships and the battle of the ages begins. Before it's over, romance will bloom, warriors will die and cowards will be redeemed.

This movie is a big hunkfest! Eric Bana is quite good as the real hero of the piece Hector, a good guy who stays true to home and family throughout the film. Brad is sometimes wooden and can't always hold his own against a cast of classically-trained actors but looks mega-hot and does emote well in a few more personal scenes. Orlando plays a wimp who redeems himself and does so with skill and as much dignity as possible. Is this poor guy doomed to carry bow and arrows? After Legolas and now Paris, "Orlie" should be able to skewer a dude at 200 yards...in the dark! Sean Bean (Boromir in LOTR) is commanding as Odysseus although he doesn't have much screen time.

Classic actor Peter O'Toole is really effective in several personal scenes. Diane Kruger is...well beautiful as Helen but I wonder why she's the only blonde woman in the entire film. Where did the King of Sparta get her? Scandinavia?

There are no warrior Xenas in this film. The power of these ladies is their sex appeal. Women are true to the time, hanging back, crying and supporting their warrior men. Only priestess Briseis (Rose Byrne) shows spunk but, eventually succumbs to Achilles' charms.

Costumes and sets are all very impressive. The Trojan Horse is a design departure from the crude version we're used to seeing. The actual film appeared to be a bit faded and grainy and some of the effects didn't always hold up, especially as you look off in the distance. Fight choreography is interesting, occasionally using slo-mo as Achilles makes impossible leaps in the air to attack his opponents. Battle scenes suffer from the usual testosterone poisoning but I did enjoy the buffed-up warrior one-on-one smackdowns and a few clever moments like when Hector's Trojans attack the Greeks with huge, flaming rolls of straw that look like giant balls of yarn rolling down the beach. I was waiting for the giant kitty cat to pounce!

I would have liked more exploration of some of the Greek god parts of the Achilles' legend and a lot of liberties are taken with the original material. We are never told that Achilles was dipped in magic waters to gain his warrior powers over death and that the one spot the waters missed (his Achilles tendon) is the one vulnerable spot on his bod. This whole "Greek God" thing is given next to no attention in the film and we are meant to think of Achilles as a human killing machine rather than a God whose powers are supernatural. So, when that arrow hits Brad in the foot and he falls it's like... what?

It was refreshing to see a bit of character development before all the action and battles. You see personal struggles, greed, cowardice, love of family, romantic love and a little heart. When Achilles and Hector finally battle one-on-one, you really do understand why the usual macho action movie phrase fits "this time...it's personal".

This will be a good film to teach at least the basics of the ancient "Iliad". So, enjoy! It's better than reading the "Cliff's Notes". One truth spoken in Troy is all too heart-breakingly close to our current world crisis. From ancient Troy to the sands of Iraq, nothing really changes. "War is old men talking and young men dying".

For spectacle and action with hunks and characters you can care about.. 4 out of 5 stars

***

Lynn Barker is a Hollywood-based entertainment journalist and produced screenwriter.