A Look Back at the Small-Screen Weirdness of 2003

Is it that time already?

Another year, another batch of mostly dumb reality shows, lame sitcoms and rabid Clay Aiken fans refusing to accept their guy didn't win on ``American Idol.''

With more than 6,000 channels on TV these days, there's never a shortage of something to watch. (Though finding something good to watch can be a bit challenging on certain days.)

So, in the spirit of the upcoming new year, let's take a fun look back at the year that was on television.

Happy new year!

Worst Emmy Moment: Wanda Sykes' torturously unfunny camera mugging as a microphone-toting reporter. Yo, girlfriend, stick to occasional stand-up gigs and guest appearances on HBO's ``Curb Your Enthusiasm.''

Most Memorable Emmy Moment: A stone-faced, shades-sporting Bill Cosby recoiling in disgust as Sykes desperately tried to make him laugh. And it was obvious that Sykes' brand of in-your-face humor was no laughing matter to him. Go, Cos!

Best TV Kiss: The steamy Madonna-Britney lip-lock at the ``MTV Video Awards'' nearly short-circuited my set. Funny, though, how no one remembers that some hot chick named Christina Aguilera also got jiggy with the Material Girl.

Best TV Kiss, Part II: Brad Garrett and Garry Shandling's smooch at the Emmy Awards.

Most Annoying Laugh: ``The Bachelor'``s Bob Guiney. Sure, kiss-happy Bob is cute and all, but his pig-like squeal worked my last nerve.

The ``I Can Make You Cry Like Barbara Walters'' Award: To ''60 Minutes''' Mike Wallace for impressively making former New York Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor break down while talking about his kids.

Best Series Finale: ``Dawson's Creek.'' That's right, ``Dawson's Creek''! Let's face it, most series finales stink. But ``Dawson's Creek'``s swan song tied up loose ends, killed Jen and finally resolved the maddeningly frustrating Joey-Dawson-Pacey love triangle with heart and intelligence.

Best Season Finale: ``Alias''' stunner in which butt-kicking Sydney wakes up dazed and confused in Tokyo after losing two years of her life.

First Anchor I Watch During a Big News Event: Tom ``The Voice of God'' Brokaw. Unlike CBS' Dan Rather or ABC's Peter Jennings, Brokaw isn't down-home folksy or Madison Avenue slick, just solid and dependable. And did I mention that voice?

Best Strut: Carla Gugino as a leggy U.S. marshal on ABC's ``Karen Sisco.''

Most Embarrassing Kowtowing Moment: CBS' decision not to air ``The Reagans'' miniseries and ship it to Showtime instead. After seeing the finished product, only one question came to mind: What was the big deal?

Worst TV Movie: You know, when you think about it, I could write an entire column on this one category. But, why bother? The one film that jumps to mind is ``The Lone Ranger,'' The WB's laughably clumsy attempt to revive a television classic. There was a lot of mystical mumbo jumbo about spirits and rats that sounded downright stupid, and a dopey love plot that saw Tonto's comely sister making naughty eyes at The Masked Man. None of it was remotely interesting, but it did make for good comedy. Though I'm sure that wasn't The WB's intention.

Favorite TV Newcomer: ``Bend it Like Beckham'``s Parminder Nagra as a fresh-faced med student on ``ER.'' I love eyes. Especially the soulful kind. And Nagra's wonderfully expressive peepers says more than 20 pages of dialogue ever could.

Best Guest-Starring Appearance: A delightfully swishy Steven Weber as a macho movie star who was really gay and loved crooning Broadway show tunes, on ABC's ``I'm With Her.''

Most Hated ``Survivor'' Villain: Cocky Jon Dalton, who lied about the death of his grandmother to win a reward challenge.

The No Gas Left In The Tank Award: To ``Survivor: Pearl Islands''' Osten Taylor, the buff equity trade manager who quit because, well, he's a punk who had ``no more gas left in the tank.'' A testy Jeff Probst said it best during tribal council when he icily told Osten to ``go home.''

Funniest ``Saturday Night Live'' Host: Who knew pretty-boy Justin Timberlake was so funny? Britney's former boy toy was a riot as an amped Ashton Kutcher hosting ``Punk'd'' and a dim-bulb Jessica Simpson on her stupid reality series.

Best Cable Network You're Not Watching: Trio, the cheeky cable outfit that's quietly distinguishing itself from the rest of the cable network pack. The channel's ``Brilliant But Canceled'' series, which shows episodes of programs that never aired or were yanked prematurely, made me fall in love with ``The PJs,'' ``Kolchak: The Night Stalker'' and ``Profit'' all over again.

Celebrity (and Cable) Lowlight: Michael Jackson in handcuffs. And his car being filmed, O.J.-like, by TV helicopters through the streets of Las Vegas.

Two Words I Thought I'd Never Hear on CNN: Governor Schwarzenegger.

Most Shocking Emmy Win: ``The West Wing'' for Best Drama. In what was widely regarded as an uneven season, I demand a recount!

Best TV Battle: Ruben vs. Clay on ``American Idol.'' I don't care what anyone says, the spiky-haired Clay remains the better singer. But, if I wanna get my groove on, I'm poppin' Ruben's CD.

Good Canceled Shows I Miss: ``Mr. Sterling,'' ``Fastlane,'' ``The Pitts,'' ``Cedric the Entertainer Presents,'' ``Skin,'' ``Coupling.'' Yes, I said ``Coupling.'' Get over it.

Bad Canceled Shows I Don't Miss: ``Queens Supreme,'' ``My Big Fat Greek Life,'' ``Watching Ellie,'' ``The Ortegas,'' ``Tarzan'' ... I can go on, but you get the point.

Most Surprising Show Turnaround: ``Frasier,'' one leg in the TV grave last year, is enjoying a welcomed renaissance. Want proof? The episode starring Patrick Stewart as a gay opera conductor with the hots for Frasier became an instant classic. Now, if the producers and NBC are smart, they'll let ``Frasier'' ride into the sunset on top instead of dragging it back for what's likely to be another mediocre season - like the one ``Friends'' is having, by the way.

Dumbest Reality Shows: ``Married By America,'' ``I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!,'' ``Mr. Personality,'' ``Cupid,'' ``The Restaurant.''

Reality Shows I'm Embarrassed to Admit I Liked: ``Average Joe,'' ``Who Wants To Marry My Dad?,'' ``The Family,'' ``The Joe Schmo Show.''

Reality Show I Didn't Watch But Everyone Else Did: ``Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.''

Creepiest Reality Show Moment: While the kids on ``Who Wants To Marry My Dad?'' had to decide which gold-digging woman was most compatible with their Daddy Warbucks look-alike father, they had to watch steamy videotapes of Pops making out with each of the contestants. Ewwwww ...

Hammiest Performance: Cybill Shepherd as a ranting Martha Stewart in the no-holds-barred NBC movie ``Martha Inc.: The Story of Martha Stewart.''